Fuck the CDC, I’m drinking sun tea

Methane gas. Cigarettes. Too much water. Too much laughter. Riding an airplane. Spoiled eggnog. Police officers. Drunk drivers. Your Selective Service card. Rabies shots. Cancer. AIDS. Anonymous. Drunk police officers. Nuclear bombs. The US government. Overprotective mothers. Fun. Yourself. Sun tea.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, everything on the above list can kill you. Can kill you, but probably won’t. Not unless you live in a country that has something the US government wants.

But I would like to hone in on the one item that breaks my mind: sun tea.

According to snopes.com, who took the time to contact the CDC, sun tea harbors dangerous bacteria like alcaligenes viscolactis — a bacteria so non-notable even Wikipedia can’t be bothered with an entry on it. As best as Google can tell me, it is a gram-negative bacteria, which probably means it’s bad. It does bad things like making big, snot-like ropey strands in your drink.

Guess where you find it.

Tea? Wrong. Water. Even in milk.

So help me out. If this hidden danger is in my water to begin with, how does adding tea suddenly create a new threat? It doesn’t. What it does do is give the bacteria time in the sun to find its bacteria buddies and form a man train of spooge-like goo.

And you know what? That’s fine with me. Know why? When I see long, snot-like chains floating in my drink … I don’t fucking drink them! If I’m feeling energetic, I will walk to my kitchen, grab a spoon and flick them out.

More likely I will take a swig, catch the offending bacteria in my teeth, spit them the fuck out and happily swallow the rest of my tea. You would too, because you are lazy. I know you are lazy because you are reading this.

Sitting down is the most important part of the day, and whether you are doing it on the couch or the toilet really doesn’t matter.

When did we as a world become so neurotic that we need the people who warn us about zombies, Ebola and HIV to also warn us about sun tea?

I drank sun tea every day of every summer of every year I can remember. As in eight or more glasses of it.

When I went to my grandma’s house, she had two big glass jars of sun tea on her pink patio. My mom filled her big 6-liter plastic jug to make sun tea on a little glass table behind our house. I carry on the tradition, in a manlier way, by bringing home 4-liter jugs of water, cramming tea bags through the hole, capping them and leaving them on the windowsill before I pass out at 4 am.

Sure I shit myself a few times a week, but I’ll blame that on Crohn’s disease before my sun tea.

Oh yeah, you know what else we drank as children? Arsenic.

There is nothing like a glass of arsenic-stricken well water with some frozen arsenic ice cubes to chill a hot summer afternoon. The poison lends a certain metallic taste that nicely complements the trace elements.

It beats the shit out of that rung-through-a-rotted-paper-towel flavor restaurant water you fuckers love.

Everyone has completely lost it with this germ-free existence. Germs don’t kill you if you are a badass. I watched Wyatt Earp, which was a badass movie except for Kevin Costner being in it. The only thing it was missing was pirates. Dennis Quaid got tuberculosis in it and he lived all the way to the credits because he was hard core.

Let’s pretend I drink sun tea and the worst happens. Somehow, despite drinking more cups of sun tea than McDonald’s has served hamburgers, today I hit the magic batch. The one where even after spitting out the ropey bacteria cum, I end up infected. Since Google has no clue what an alcaligenes viscolactis infection can cause, lets just make up something really bad. Something like … like I die from shitting out my mouth.

As soon as I get done shitting, the first thing I will reach for will be a glass of sun tea, with which to gargle and remove the shit aftertaste. Why? So I can drink more sun tea.

I like to live dangerously. That’s why I do things like ride a bicycle in Beijing and drink sun tea. On days when I am feeling particularly crazy, I might even drink sun tea while riding a bicycle. Now there’s extreme living.

I have never met, nor heard of anyone dieing from drinking sun tea. That means sun tea has killed less people than Bengay. If you want to know how many people Bengay has killed, don’t fret, I looked it up for you. One. Think about that the next time you start slathering your sprain with a bottle full of ingredients you can’t even pronounce.

At exactly what point did life start being about breathing and stop being about living? Everyone is going to die. You are going to die. Statistically speaking, if enough people read this post, one of them will die immediately after reading it. That person might be you. I know, you’re thinking, “It cannot possibly be me.”

But guess what.

In another 20 minutes, you’ll stop beating off to shota porn at 4chan’s /d/. You’ll stand up, take three steps and discover a sudden throbbing pain in your right leg. Yes, you sat at the computer so long you developed a blood clot in your leg, like those people the ladies on the airplane warn you about. As you take a few steps, the clot will break and travel through your bloodstream to your brain. Then, as you lay on the ground, spasming in seizure and drooling like that 70-year-old lady who you made fun of in the elevator every day for being on her ninth stroke, you will think, “Fuck, I wish I had just drank the sun tea.”

Sadly, you won’t be drinking anything except your own vomit as you shake and die. Asshole.

As for me, I will be sitting by my window enjoying another cold glass of sun tea. Not because “refrigerator tea” tastes worse, but because I live dangerously.

Catch you in the bathroom.

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