The Lame Debate: GTA San Andreas

For those who haven’t heard yet, this game is being pulled from the shelves to be relabelled and to have its sex code removed. Apparently a few parents down south went mad when they realized their 5 year old could actually bang a virtual hooker.

I think it’s important we notice they were only mad when it involved sex. The normal function in the game–paying for her then murdering her–is perfectly acceptable to these parents.

… Wow.

You know, a new rating for this game won’t do it for lazy, incompetent yuppies. I’ve watched these people send their 4-year-olds into Blockbuster Video with $5 and their card to rent Ass-Raping Back Door Pirates VI, then walk in, pissed off and yelling at the counter clerk for 12 minutes since he or she wouldn’t rent junior the most explicit sex video in the store.

Labelling a game “Adults Only” won’t do much for this breed of asshole. Instead, I think we need a new kind of warning label. It’s a bit longer, but it might just do the trick:

To parents: Buy this game for your child if you wish, but be prepared for the following course of actions. First, your child will consume all money you making buying brand-name thug clothing. He/she will listen to loud, blasting rap tunes such as ‘Skull-fuk da hoe and cum in her eyesocket’ and ‘My ballz r swetin and teh ho iz ded.’ If your child is a male, as he becomes a teenager he will fail out of school and take up buying and selling drugs, leading to a life of repeated arrests. At 17, he will kill you. If your child is a female, she will contract 27 STDs, including no less than four yet undocumented by the CDC. She will have 19 children and eventually sue you on Judge Judy for all the money you have. And you will lose, because you were a moron to buy this game for a 5-year-old. If all of the above hasn’t scared you enough, your child will burn flags.

That’s nice. I bet a warning label like that would get some attention.