D0 U hAvE A GF?

(The title of the post is an actual question. It was copied verbatim–including the sticky-caps and the slashed 0. Oh internet … how you corrupt my students)

As I’ve kept all my same classes this semester, I lost the ability to make the first class a throw-away introduction day. To make up for the loss, I passed around a box with a hole in it allowing students to anonymously submit questions for me to read and answer.

Here are some of the questions my second-year students put in my question box for me to answer.

Q. Derrick, you know you look pretty thinner and smarter without glasses. You know I thought we got a new Oral teacher when I first entered the Room. So I suggest you use contact lens, or do an operation.
A. Not an option. My eyes have a perpetual dryness problem that makes contacts impossible, and I don’t like the idea of unnecessary surgery.

Q. You’re thinner this year. Why? What did you eat during the Spring Festival? Did you spend your winter holiday in China? ^_^
A. I believe one becomes thinner by eating less calories than one burns. More precisely, I probably lost weight by not eating for the three weeks before and during which I was sick. No appetite!

Q. Have you lost some weight during this winter vacation? I think it makes you look more attractive.
A. … I’m sensing a pattern.

Q. What do you do on weekends?
A. Grade homework.

Q. Which state of the US do you come from and what features of this state?
A. Michigan. Just outside Detroit. Its features are water and rusting factories.

Q. What university are you graduate?
A. Oakland University.

Q. How long do you plan to study Chinese?
A. No idea.

Q. What did you do during Spring Festival?
A. Stayed home because I was ill, and graded papers when awake.

Q. Can you tell me how to have a good pronunciation?
A. If I could, I would be so rich I wouldn’t need to teach here.

Q. What’s your viewpoint about the exchange rate of US dollars? One of my friends is doing foreign exchange investment.
A. Durr, your teacher is an idiot. All I know is when I go to China, I get more money, and when I go back to the USA, I lose money.

Q. Are you going to teach here after this semester? If not, do you have any plans?
A. Probably not, but not because of the students. I’d just like to get started on my Master’s. Only one thing could keep me here.

Q. Did you go back to the US during winter vacation?
A. No.

Q. Could you recommend some good novels which aren’t too difficult to understand to us?
A. Yes! The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett, The Neverending Story by Michael Ende, The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle, The Prydain Chronicles by Lloyd Alexander, The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, The Princess Bride by William Goldman, and The Stand by Stephen King (beware, it’s long).

Q. What’s your reaction when you find that Santa Claus doesn’t exist?
A. He doesn’t!? I think I found out when I was six years old. I remember my dad putting presents under the tree. That’s when I knew, and I just went back to bed.

Q. Is writing hard?
A. Yes. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you. Writing is a very long process and requires hours of refining and editing–but nothing worth doing is ever easy!

Q. Why do you like wearing long hair?
A. The high school I went to was very strict and required boys to keep their hair very short. Your bangs could not touch your eyebrows or you would be sent home till it was cut. After I graduated, I stopped cutting my hair. I saved so much money on hair cuts that I never quit.

Q. Can you tell us some stories about your experience of learning English writing skills?
A. My favorite story is the one I told last semester–punctuation inside the quotation marks. Neil Shine scolded us every week for five weeks of class that punctuation marks must go inside the quotation marks. I remember shaking my head wondering, “Man, what idiot is still doing that after all this time?” As if he heard my thoughts, Shine said, “Derrick, I’m talking to you!”

Q. What kind of Hollywood movies do you like best? Or you don’t like Hollywood movies?
A. My favorite movies are all from the 80s: The Princess Bride, Labyrinth, and The Blues Brothers. Excalibur is another long-time favorite, but I believe it was a British production, not Hollywood.

Q. Where did you learn your Chinese?
A. Two years in college, one summer here at 外交学院, and one more year in college.

Q. Would you like to travel with us around China during holidays?
A. Maybe. I’ve traveled a bit, but never to the south. The south scares me, because I can’t understand anyone there. Even as far north as Shanghai the people’s accents gets too ferocious for me to follow.

Q. Can you speak Japanese? Please show us.
残念だね…拙者は完全に日本語を忘れてしまったでござる。

Q. Do you like to go to KTV?
What’s KTV? (I was informed it is much like “KARLA-OK”)

Q. Are you a undergraduate student or a graduate student?
I’m pretty sure I’m a teacher.

Q. What did you do before teaching here?
I was a feature writer interning at The Oakland Press.

Q. How do you think of Super Girl?
Sorry, I didn’t watch it. I really don’t know anything about the show other than it was the Chinese version of American Idol.

Q. How old are you?
This week? I’m 24.