Making tourists’ lives more interesting

Nothing these days gives me greater pleasure than inflicting suffering and confusion on others. My two favorite ways to do this both involve the clueless tourists here in Beijing.

The first is amazingly simple. Whenever a tourists or business person comes up to you, praying they finally found someone who speaks English, and they ask, “Can you speak English?” Answer honestly!

“啊, 对了! 我能说!”
(Ah, yes! I can speak it!)

Watch as they look confused and hurt, then try to find someone else.

My second favorite target is Japanese tourists, because lets face it, there’s no easier target for cruelty in any language than Japanese tourists. When you hear someone speaking Japanese, listen for a second and see if they’re confused. Then walk up and say in your best pronunciation that you learned from watching those 9,000 hours of badly fansubbed anime:

もしかして、貴方たちは日本人じゃないか？どこに行きますか？
(Could it be … you all are Japanese? Where are you headed?)

The answer is, of course, going to be yes they are, and they’ll begin to spin you the whole story of what they’re doing because no one can ever just give you a simple one word answer. Nod a lot and keep making nasal agreement noises and muttering “そうか” every thirty seconds. When they finally get around to asking if you know where the place is, say:

あぁ…あのお…まさか、拙者は完全に日本語を忘れてしまったでござる。頑張って下さい、リーベンクイズたち【日本鬼子】、バイバイ～！
(Uhh … well … no way, it seems this fool has just completely forgotten Japanese. Do your best, “Japanese Devils”-tachi, bye bye!)

Alternatively but less common, if they’re standing right in front of the building they want but don’t know how to read the simplified characters, send them three blocks east.

Lastly and unrelated to tourists yet still incredibly fun: beggars. Whenever a beggar comes up to you asking for money, just tell them:

“我没有钱, 哪, 可以给我你的钱 …”
(I don’t have any money. Hey, you can give me some of yours …)

Then start looking in his cup.

Guaranteed he or shee will leave you alone.