Review: Neutopia

Never in my life have I seen a game try so hard to imitate another game. Usually games have some element of originality, creativity, or anything else that makes each game unique.

Shockingly, not so with Neutopia, a game that wishes nothing more than to have been born as a Nintendo 1987 Action-RPG starring a green-clad elfin boy.

Much to Neutopia’s dismay, it was born as a 1989 PC-Engine HuCard starring an armor-clad hero named Jazeta. This really surprised me, because from everything else in this game, I expected him to be named “Jelda.”

Oh well, if Eminem can pull off wishing he were black, maybe this game can pull off pretending to be Zelda: The Hyrule Fantasy.

The game begins as Princess Aurora is kidnapped by the scourge of Neutopia, Dirth. Once upon a time, Dirth was sealed away by the power of the Tri– oh wait, that’s another game. Dirth was sealed up by The 8 Medallions that shine light upon the world of Neutopia, keeping the people safe and happy.

Free, single and full of disco fever, Dirth stole all the Medallions and hid them away in The 8 Labyrinths, which the townspeople kindly built for him years in advance to make his job easier. If only every villain could get service like that.

As the game begins, Jazeta is summoned to the wise old lady’s cave, where he learns it’s dangerous to go alone and he should take a sword. She informs him of all the stuff I just told you, since apparently our great hero lives under a rock and knows nothing of the events literally everyone else in Neutopia knows about.

Neutopia’s gameplay is fairly simple: walk left, right, up and down, and stab anything that moves with Jazeta’s fancy pig sticker. Along the way Jazeta collects tools to help in his quest like a Fire Wand, capable of throwing boomerang fireballs or a flame crash depending on Jazeta’s health, and tons of stupid items like the Holy Bell, which serve only one purpose in the game.

One item useful item is bombs. In the course of the game, Jazeta blows up half of Neutopia. I’m shocked the game’s ending isn’t Princess Aurora labeling him a terrorist and holding a military tribunal.

Therein lays one of the key strong points of Neutopia–a near endless amount of hidden stuff. Almost any room you pick out in the game will have something that can be burned, pushed, bombed, molested, or something that only appears once all monsters are defeated.

No less than 85 percent of the time, all of the above result in a waste of effort and bombs, since it just leads Jazeta to a new stupid villager who says, “Oh how horrible Dirth is! He has ruined our town. Please bring back our Medallions, Jazeta!” Either that or a dead end.

When the game want to be really mean, it will trick you into bombing through 6 consecutive rooms only to find a total dead end.

The enemies drop a host of items for Jazeta. White wings can be used to warp Jazeta back to his last save point. Magic rings will transform all monsters on the screen into weaker ones–it doesn’t work on bosses. Hourglasses left by enemies will temporarily freeze everyone on the screen.

Replenishment items like gold, bombs and cherries can also be dropped. Eating cherries refills Jazeta’s life. I’m unsure if this is kinkily linked to the whole virgin princess thing, but that’s another story. Unlike hearts in the Zelda, cherries almost never appear in Neutopia, making the road a bit more long and difficult.

On his quest, Jazeta has to explore four rather large worlds: the overworld, the underground, the sea and the sky. Between these four, the world map is easily far bigger than in Zelda.

The dungeons are also far larger and the maps far less useful. Often times the only way to get through a dungeon and to the boss is by bombing totally unmarked walls. There are dozens of these walls.

Typically, a dungeon is at least 50 percent larger than appears on the map if you try bombing every single wall. Of course most of those walls lead you to dead ends, potions and useless old men chained to walls exhausting your bomb supply for nothing.

The bosses are not the most difficult ever. Virtually all of them are more an exercise in patience than skill. If the bosses’ weak points are difficult to discern, bomb walls–there’s always a useless old man who will flat-out tell you how to beat the boss.

The graphics are quite good. They have the typical rich, bright color seen in all of Hudson’s games with enough detailing to discern Jazeta’s head from his ass.

It’s very obvious Neutopia came from the makers of Bomberman, Adventure Island and Far East of Eden. Every hue and every pixel screams its relation to Hudson’s other classic series.

The soundtrack isn’t bad–the tunes fit the game quite well. The problem is they fit so well, you likely won’t even notice the music. Right now, only hours after playing, I can’t recall a single song from the game. I remember that I liked a few, but I can’t remember how they went.

I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. Games with horrible soundtracks tend to give you a headache and burrow into your brain like maggots. By that respect, Neutopia’s soundtrack is probably just quite average.

Part of Neutopia’s charm is it doesn’t try to be anything more than it is: a clone. It’s not the same game, it’s not the same series. Neutopia is just entirely faithful to Zelda’s style.

However, Neutopia is comparatively more complicated and challenging. If you loved the NES classic and are looking for a new game to give you the same experience, I’d recommend you try Neutopia.